Learning how to start a conversation with your ex might seem overwhelming, but it does not have to be a case of trial and error. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Starting a conversation with your ex is just like starting a conversation with anyone else. You can let your history psych you out too much.<\/span> But at the end of the day, they’re just a person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Sure, you might have seen each other’s private bits, but so what? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether you ended on good terms or not, you almost always have to talk to your ex about something. Maybe you left something at their place. Maybe you need closure. Or maybe you want to get back together. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Whatever it is, that nagging urge to say one last thing<\/em> might be your brain trying to complete an emotional loop, a phenomenon called the Zeigarnik Effect<\/strong>, where we fixate on unresolved experiences more than completed ones.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udcda Source: Bluma Zeigarnik (1927), On Finished and Unfinished Tasks<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n You just have to know where to start.<\/span> It’s always a good idea to know how to do this in a mature way, even understanding how to start a conversation with your ex over text can help you overcome the cringe-factor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n [Read: Should I talk to my ex? 44 truths and revealing questions to find your answer<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n Starting a conversation with your ex is easier than you might think. As long as you know your reason for reaching out, you can start a conversation with your ex quite easily.<\/span> <\/p>\n\n\n\n That’s the crux of it – you need to have a purpose to lead with. Without that, it just looks like you’re trying to speak for the sake of it, or worse, you’re trying to hook up!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Going in blind is never a good idea when it comes to starting a conversation with your ex. That is how things get messy and out of hand. [Read: A guide to help you decide about being friends with an ex<\/a>]<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Even asking your ex where they got the food they posted on Instagram could end up with a messy blame game and reminiscing about things you don’t want to talk about. It’s not fun. Avoid at all costs! <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Even if you think you are above the pettiness of something like that, trust us, you aren\u2019t. Instead of just reaching out like it is no big deal, think about what you want out of this conversation and start with that.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n This person knows you, so there is no need for small talk<\/a> and pleasantries. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n You, of course, want to be respectful and considerate, but you do not have to text back and forth about your job when all you want is your favorite scrunchie back. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n [Read: 14 cool things to keep in mind when you accidentally bump into your ex<\/a>]<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that you have thought about why you\u2019re reaching out, think about it harder. Is it really a good idea?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, reaching out to an ex is just not worth it, but if the relationship ended without clear closure, it might feel emotionally unfinished. That kind of ambiguous loss<\/strong> can linger for months or even years, making us believe that re-initiating contact will give us the peace we\u2019re missing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udcda Source: Pauline Boss (2007), Ambiguous Loss Theory<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n If you had a volatile relationship and you want to start a conversation to see how they are doing since the breakup, that may not be necessary.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n If you left a shirt at their house, do you really need it back? Will reaching out for something so minor cause more trouble than it’s worth? <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Is your shirt or hairbrush just an excuse to start a conversation with your ex because you miss them, or because your attachment style<\/strong> is craving reassurance? People with anxious attachment often seek emotional proximity even post-breakup, while avoidants tend to reach out after withdrawing.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udcda Source: Hazan & Shaver (1987), Romantic Love as an Attachment Process<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n [Read: How to get over your ex in a healthy way for your future<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n Before reaching out, think about your reason and figure out if it is really necessary. We say this a lot but, your ex is an ex for a reason. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n With that being said, sometimes we don\u2019t have a choice. Maybe you need to start a conversation with an ex about family, finances, or something else important. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n In that case, learning how to start a conversation with your ex over text or in person will be useful and necessary. [Read: How to deal with the end of a relationship like a grown up<\/a>]<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n So before you dive into figuring out how to make conversation with your ex or press send on that “Can we talk?” text, there are some crucial points to ponder. Here are some key considerations to mull over before you take that trip down memory lane.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Time’s a funny thing, isn’t it? If it’s been just a few weeks, emotions might still be raw. On the flip side, years could mean you’re both totally different people now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This gap can significantly shape the tone and content of your conversation. It’s like knowing whether to bring an umbrella or sunglasses – timing affects everything!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let’s talk motives. Are you looking for closure, friendship, or maybe rekindling an old flame? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Understanding your ‘why’ is crucial. You might just be trying to resolve internal tension between \u201cwe\u2019re over\u201d and \u201cbut I still care.\u201d That psychological discomfort is known as cognitive dissonance<\/strong>, and texting your ex can feel like a shortcut to easing that discomfort, even when it\u2019s not helpful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udcda Source: Leon Festinger (1957), A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n It’s like picking a destination before you start driving, otherwise, you might just go in circles. Remember, honesty with yourself is key to making conversation with your ex meaningful and genuine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Revisiting the breakup scene isn’t about reliving a sob story. It’s about context. Was it amicable or more like a Hollywood drama? The backstory sets the stage for your new conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If it ended on a tumultuous note, with more fireworks than a Fourth of July celebration, this colors your approach. A rocky ending means treading carefully, like walking on a tightrope. [Read: 42 red flags & signs it\u2019s time to end your relationship & move on for good<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n Are you still harboring hurt or anger? Ensure you’re not walking into a storm unprepared. [Read: Repressed anger: 22 healing ways to release anger & focus on the positives<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n After all, the goal here is to make conversation, not start another world war. But be careful, texting an ex when you\u2019re emotionally fragile can trigger dopamine feedback loops<\/strong>. Your brain starts chasing those tiny emotional highs from message replies, even when the connection isn\u2019t healthy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udcda Source: Helen Fisher (2010), The Brain in Love: Romantic Love, Reward, and Withdrawal<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n So, take a moment to assess your emotional state and intentions. If you’re calm, collected, and genuinely open to reconnecting, then you’re ready to start that conversation with your ex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here’s a big one: where are both of you now in your love lives? If either of you is in a relationship, the dynamics of how to talk to your ex change significantly. It’s about respecting boundaries \u2013 and this includes being mindful of not hurting your current partner or your ex’s partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Treading this territory requires a balance as delicate as a tightrope walker’s. You don’t want to be the reason for any upset in their current relationship or yours. Ensuring that your conversations are appropriate and transparent. If you’re in doubt, think about how you’d feel if the roles were reversed. [Read: How to talk about a past relationship & not piss your partner off<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n Consider the shared social landscape. Are your friends still their friends? Navigating this maze is crucial because it’s like having an audience to your private conversation. You want to be respectful and considerate to avoid any social faux pas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What’s your endgame? Reconnecting, seeking forgiveness, or just a casual catch-up? You don’t start a conversation with your ex just because. There should be a clear reason behind it, be it something practical like asking for your stuff back, seeking closure, or exploring the possibility of a friendship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Having a specific goal in mind ensures your conversation has direction and purpose. Without a clear objective, it can look aimless, or even give the impression that you haven’t moved on<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reflect on how re-engaging with your ex might affect your present life. Will it bring closure or complications? If reconnecting with your ex brings you the closure or peace of mind you’re seeking, then it might be worth the effort. [Read: 43 must-knows to deal with a breakup & move on from your ex relationship<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n But, if you suspect it’s going to leave you emotionally stormy, leading to nights of crying yourself to sleep and binge eating for comfort, then you might want to reconsider. It’s about weighing the benefits against the potential emotional cost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh hell, yes!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Obviously, it depends on how the relationship ended as to the tone of your message or conversation but you need to start the conversation in an adult and mature way<\/a>. That means being polite and kind. You might not want to be, but remember to be the bigger person here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You don\u2019t want to be flippant or sarcastic. There may still be some hurt or even bad blood between you and the reason for wanting to start a conversation shouldn\u2019t be to just poke a sleeping bear, so to speak!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ask yourself why you want to contact them and then move from there. [Read: The simplest tips to avoid being rude in any situation<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n Figuring out how to start a conversation with your ex will depend on why you are reaching out. If you are wanting to get back together, you will want to start the conversation differently than you would if you want to settle finances or exchange keys. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Take these suggestions and customize them to your situation and your relationship. That way, it should work out.<\/span> [Read: How to text your ex after no contact and not make the same mistakes<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n In most cases, we recommend just coming out with it. Asking how they\u2019ve been and going through the motions will not do anything but prolong the inevitable. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n If you need to meet with your ex to exchange keys or get your favorite sweatshirt back, just say so. <\/span>Just texting them “hi” will only confuse them, and make them wonder about your intentions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Send them a text saying you hope they are doing well and then get into it. It can sound harsh but keep it polite and to the point. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Think of it as a business email in that way. If you need a coworker or contact to send something over you say something like, \u201cHi, I hope you are doing well. I\u2019m just reaching out to see if you got my last message.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n This is a blunt approach, but in our experience, it is the most effective. And people appreciate honesty. [Read: How to break up with someone you love the right way<\/a>]<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n When starting a conversation with your ex, you may feel inclined to reminisce. Unless you broke up recently and need closure, avoid anything that will drag you back into the breakup. They are not your almost ex, they are your ex, so keep them that way.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Even if you are reaching out to be friends, keep things moving forward, not back. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n If you work together or have mutual friends, you can stay cordial. But there is no need to talk about the good old days. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Think back to Friends<\/em>. Every time Rachel and Ross talked about their relationship, they hooked up or nearly hooked up and things got complicated.<\/span> Just literally say what you need to say and that’s it. [Read: 20 best questions to ask your ex after a breakup to find closure<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n In connection, kicking things off with a heavy topic is like diving into the deep end without checking for water. Instead, start with something light and breezy. Maybe a new cafe that opened up or a movie you both wanted to see? It’s about breaking the ice, not starting a blizzard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Pretty sure both of you are gauging each other’s comfort levels at this stage, so you might want to keep it low-pressure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A casual topic acts like a barometer, giving you both a sense of how the conversation might unfold. This way, you create a relaxed environment that’s conducive to open and easy communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Face-to-face communication is almost always better than talking via phone. This way there is less chance of miscommunication. But with that, try to meet somewhere public. This will help keep both of you calm and grounded. It will also prevent any relapsing into old patterns.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n If you need closure or want to get back together, we definitely recommend talking in person. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Before even getting into too much texting, ask if you can meet up to talk about some things. But, if your relationship was violent or abusive<\/a> in any way at all and you have to meet up to move out, take a trusted friend or family member with you. [Read: Are you seeing signs you should get back with your ex?<\/a>]<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n If you must, mention a fun, shared memory, but keep it casual. “Remember that crazy karaoke night?” can be a great way to rekindle some of the good old vibes. Just ensure it’s a memory that won’t stir up old conflicts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Again, this strategy is only if you feel it’s appropriate. You don’t want to randomly bring up the past and risk sounding like you’re stuck in a time loop or overly nostalgic about the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The goal is to connect in the present, not live in the past. If you choose to share a memory, it should serve as a bridge to current conversation, not a detour back to old times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This isn’t the time to rehash old arguments. Stick to the positives and the present. This is another thing that you should consciously steer clear of, regardless of how tempting it might be to bring it up. Delving into past conflicts can quickly turn a friendly chat into an uncomfortable confrontation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember, the focus here is on building a new, positive form of communication. By keeping the conversation away from past disagreements, you’re laying the groundwork for a more constructive and enjoyable interaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, addressing the elephant in the room can ease tension. A simple “I know this is a bit awkward, but I’m glad we’re talking” can make things feel more genuine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It’s about acknowledging the situation without dwelling on it. This approach is so much better than pretending everything is perfectly normal when it’s not. [Read: How to not be awkward \u2013 A guide for the quirky ones<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n By recognizing any awkwardness, you’re showing a level of honesty and vulnerability that can be disarming and endearing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It helps set a tone of openness and sincerity, making the conversation more relaxed and authentic. Plus, it often turns out that once you’ve called out the awkwardness, it tends to dissipate, leaving room for a more comfortable and natural interaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether your ex cheated on you or stole your money, try to remain calm when starting a conversation with your ex. It is likely that your emotions are still running high. You are probably still pissed or upset.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Either wait until you feel calm enough to reach out without the risk of an emotional explosion or have a friend that can stay neutral with you when you reach out. Let them know your goal for this conversation and let them do the talking.<\/span> [Read: 15 signs your ex is pretending to be over you and what to do next<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n We have seen this happen a lot. When you feel the relationship ended due to your ex\u2019s lack of trust, infidelity, or anything else on them, you may feel better than them. And, keep this between us, but you very well may be. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether that is the case or not, try to speak to them as your equal. Even if you don\u2019t feel that way, being kind without going over the top is the best way to handle an ex situation. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n They know you, and they will know if you are treating them differently.<\/span> That will affect how they respond to you. [Read: How to talk to people in a charming way no matter who they are<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sharing something new you’ve learned or a hobby you’ve picked up shows you’ve grown. After breakups, we often reach out not just to reconnect with our ex, but with the version of ourselves we were when we were with them. That\u2019s called self-concept repair<\/strong>, and it\u2019s a powerful subconscious motivator.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\udcda Source: Slotter et al. (2010), \u201cWho am I without you?\u201d Self-concept clarity and romantic breakup<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n This can be a great way to show you’re moving forward, without making it seem like a competition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Since you’ve shared about your personal growth, it’s a good move to ask about their current hobbies or passions. This shows that the conversation is a two-way street. You definitely don’t want to make it sound like everything’s about you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Asking about their interests demonstrates that you\u2019re genuinely interested in their life as it is now. It\u2019s a way of saying, \u201cI\u2019m not just here to talk about myself; I\u2019m here to reconnect with you.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n Often, we reach out to an ex for reasons that are just hiding the real motive. We miss them. Even if we don\u2019t want to get back together, we want just a taste of that feeling we used to have. We want to remember that safety and comfort. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n That is totally normal, but try not to give into it. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n When you start a conversation with your ex, keep your eye on the ball. Go in with a focus and the desired outcome and stay focused on it. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember that you are strong on your own and this relationship and subsequent breakup do not define you. [Read: 8 most common post breakup mistakes you shouldn\u2019t commit<\/a>]<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n A little humor goes a long way in breaking tension. Crack a light joke or bring up a funny incident \u2013 it helps the conversation go down in a delightful way. Just be sure the humor is appropriate and not at anyone’s expense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For instance, you could joke about a shared quirk or a funny, harmless situation you both experienced. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It’s like bringing a gentle, friendly nudge into the conversation. Remember, the goal is to lighten the mood, not to poke fun at sensitive topics. [Read: Good & bad types of humor and how they affect your relationship with others<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is a general rule for every interaction you have with everyone in your life. But, we find it needs to be repeated, especially when you are figuring out how to start a conversation with your ex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Respect is the only thing that is keeping things fair and calm. As soon as one of you loses respect for the other, things are imbalanced and can go awry quickly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Learning how to make conversation with your ex has a lot to do with body language<\/a>. Smile, open up your posture, make eye contact<\/a>, and make it evident that you listen when they speak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n These gestures can be overthrown if you\u2019re making conversation with your ex, and you\u2019re trying not to throw your cocktail in their smug face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, what kind of message are you sending to your ex? Avoiding eye contact pretty much says if you could stomach looking in their eyes you may end up figuratively shooting daggers at them. Not friendly and definitely awkward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There is a tricky balance if you\u2019re trying to play it cool. First, you don\u2019t want to seem cold and closed off since this could make them think you\u2019re still bitter about the breakup. Second, you don\u2019t want to be too touchy-feely, since they may think you\u2019re looking for a round two romp! Unless, er, you are. Then go for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Best bet when talking to an ex? Laugh when appropriate, nod when they speak, and don\u2019t cross your arms. Crossing your arms = bad and bitchy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sure, talking to your ex at a social gathering *if you are* is the mature thing to do, but don\u2019t carry on the conversation longer than is comfortable to do so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether you got dumped or did the dumping, this person is still your ex for a reason and there\u2019s no point in sticking around to reopen old wounds for the sake of being polite.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Without a doubt, the easiest way to start a conversation with your ex is to do it via text or messaging app. That way, you don\u2019t have to see them and you\u2019re not as likely to fall into old patterns. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course, messaging has its downsides too – you can easily be misunderstood if you don\u2019t word your text carefully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The single best route when it comes to starting a conversation with your ex over text, whatever the reason for the conversation, is to be bright and breezy. Don\u2019t apologize for getting in touch or say \u201cI\u2019m sorry to bother you\u201d, there\u2019s no reason to be sorry. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Just say \u201cHey\u201d followed by whatever it is you need to say. So, if you want to get your sweater back, say \u201cHey, can you drop my sweater off at \u2026. the next time you\u2019re there please?\u201d Just be polite and say what you want. [Read: Texting anxiety – How to send and receive texts without freaking out<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n Will it lead to a back and forth exchange? Well, that depends whether you want it to or not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A small message can often be a catalyst for further chat but ask yourself whether that\u2019s your aim. If it is, then fair enough, but if not, just keep it quick and concise. Say what you want to say and get out of there!<\/p>\n\n\n\n The beauty of learning how to start a conversation with your ex over text is that you can think about what you want to say beforehand. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Make sure you word it clearly and don\u2019t leave anything open for interpretation. That way, you won\u2019t be wishing you had or hadn\u2019t said something. Also, remember to avoid putting kisses at the end – the time for that has gone! [Read: How to respend to a text from your ex and make them leave you alone<\/a>]<\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t drag the conversation on just because you want to keep talking to them. If they start giving you one-word answers or it seems like hard work, let it go. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember, they\u2019re your ex, they\u2019re not your friend. If they want to talk to you, you\u2019ll know. They\u2019ll play an equal part in the conversation and it will flow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n However, if it\u2019s stagnant or it just seems like you need to keep reviving it, simply come to the conclusion that they\u2019re not interested in talking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Regardless of why you reached out to them in the first place, trying to keep a dead conversation alive is nothing short of awkward.<\/p>\n\n\n\nBefore Starting a Conversation With Your Ex<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Do You Really Need to Talk to Your Ex?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. How Long It’s Been<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Why Are You Reaching Out?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. How Did the Relationship End?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. Emotional Readiness<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. Current Relationship Statuses<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
6. Mutual Friends and Social Circles<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
7. Your Goals for the Conversation<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
8. The Potential Impact on Your Current Life<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Does it Really Matter What You Say?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
How to Start a Conversation With Your Ex, Minus the Cringe<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. Be Straightforward<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Avoid Going Too Deep <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. Use a Light Conversation Starter<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. Ask to Meet Up <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. Reference a Shared Positive Memory<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
6. Avoid Talking About Past Disagreements<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
7. Acknowledge the Awkwardness *If It’s There*<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
8. Be Neutral <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
9. Don’t Patronize Them<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
10. Talk About Personal Growth<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
11. Ask About Their Interests<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
12. Remember Your Strength<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
13. Keep It Humorous<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
14. Be Respectful<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
15. Pay Attention to Your Body Language<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
16. Don’t Stay Longer Than You Want To<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How to Start a Conversation With Your Ex Over Text<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Know When to End the Conversation <\/h2>\n\n\n\n